I’m depressed in my current state and I need drugs to get me out of it.
I really hate myself right now. I wish I turn back time to just a few hours ago, but I can’t. All I need is for it to be 5.55pm again, but I can’t.
I’m truly finding it hard to be happy again now. I can’t do anything. I don’t want to do anything except to try to turn back time, or have whatever substances I can for me to at least think I’m in a world where time doesn’t exist at all.
— Blue Laidley
— Blue Laidley
As my mind slowly erases you from it, every image of you buried deep becomes just a blurred silhouette. I’m losing the ability to cope with this. It was something I planned and something I wanted yet now it’s happening, I feel almost like it’s something I can’t control. Like it’s something I want to control. I want to remember. I’m losing things I want to remember. People forget the good and remember the bad, and I forgot about the good but I can remember it now. I want to remember both. I want to remember both, yet I am loosing everything. Everywhere we ate, every single place we went together, even the tiny mole under your chin. Wait, what mole? Did I just make that up? I don’t remember.
Every image of you is becoming a blurred silhouette, I just didn’t realise that I’m blurring myself also; every memory I’m losing is a memory I’m losing of myself. I’m fading with you. Both, soon enough, we will become nothing more than nothing.
This is around the time I went under
The feeling of sinking down to the darkest of blues
The claustrophobic feeling of not being able to breathe
Whilst my body kept bringing me lower and lower
My eyesight was searching for light but failing and their function started to differ.
This was the time I needed to think
I needed to think clear and I needed to breathe
To free this guidance and create my fins
I lost my virginity the sensible way: breaking it at 18 years old with a person I was in a two year relationship with at the time. But sometimes I just wish I broke it the spontaneous way when I had the chance: in a Jacuzzi on the roof of a lavish hotel in Miami which was across the road from and overlooked South Beach, to a guy named Jason who I instantly had a sexual desire for after meeting him for 15 minutes; 3 days before my 16th birthday.