I knew not to trust him. I was right. My heart so desperate for love, that it believes his wrongs. Well I don’t. Once again curled up, damaged, misused. This advantage has been taken again. But this time I’m smiling. I’m smiling because I know something. Freaks of nature. Diluted thoughts. Deluded dreams. This path is one I’m used to. Trails of bittersweet betrayals. It gives me life but I’m aware of how pathetic this beating organ can be. I never listen to it anymore. He was someone like no other, yet was like all the rest of them.
Some of the best things are left unspoken about, so I just packed them neatly away in my suitcase mind, while channelling the battle that is you.
I remember how fucked up it made me. The sun hurt my eyes and the chilly morning air made it hard for me to breathe. Every breath gave me a pain at the front of my throat, like I had swallowed Jack Frost himself, and now serving my fait. I drank the last mouthful of rum fast, feeling it burn my insides in whatever path it took. For someone so fucked, I could sure feeling the most sensitive of feelings. For someone so out of my mind, I could sure well remember and cry. I realised then how many solutions I had gone through and how it had only got me so far. Got me so deep. Got me nowhere.
I am here. Standing right here feeling so close to toppling over and experiencing yet another moment of collapsing and passing out for the day. I am here like this because I am sad and trying to find ways to become happy when it just occurred to me… maybe the outcome would be the complete opposite if I just let go of trying to find happiness, and instead live my life by enjoying the happiness of being sad.
I wish I could go back to a time where I could truly feel the music without needing to take the drugs.
I will show you love how love is shown to me, as that is the only kind of love I know
Its repulsive, and dangerous, and fearful they way I trembled for you. I neglected all of my wellbeing and ignited every speck of willpower, to then fall so suddenly as well as so drastically, into your arms. I never knew how to scrap up all of the tiny, belittled thoughts, and counter them up into a confusing mess of different yet strikingly effective emotions. I always knew how I felt about you was bigger than all the love stories I hear and read about. I knew for you I felt a deeper connection. I thought we had a deeper meaning. I never once thought that the reason I couldn’t think of a word stronger for ‘love’, was because I was looking away from the word ‘obsessed’. Yes, I realise now I was. I was obsessed with you. Your every being; your breath, your smile, your frown, the wrinkles in your lip, and all your smells infatuated me. I couldn’t bear the thought of a single day where I couldn’t gently glide my hands through your field of soft beautiful hair. Gazing into your eyes would leave me absent for hours. I also never knew that while I was giving every part of me to you that I could, you were manipulating all that I’d created. You were tearing down the wall you watched me built and I just couldn’t keep in rebuilding it again. I lost my strength. I lost my strength because you gained it. I’m disgusted that I opened up to you. I even opened my legs up to you, and tormented that I enjoyed. I enjoyed how intense you made me feel. If I was happy, you made me feel the happiest, which brought me singing at bus stops, and dancing with strangers. If I were sad, you’d make me feel as suicidal as I could be, hoping the knife will just cut in that little deeper like you did. The lustful pleasures were most pleasurable as our organs had the same electric current. We matched. We suited. We were perfect. We were the worst thing possible.
Now it has begun.
Everything is doomed from here on.
Past, present, and future people
Will now feel the trailing of me.
All plants go towards the sun
To then dry, crumble up and die.
The caution card has tumbled through my door.
People find strength and move on
Or people keep the weakness and melt away
I find I do neither.
I just sit with my sources in solitude
Wondering why my mind can’t change.
It lets everything fall through my hands like sand.
I’m a creature of habit. I’m a soul of delusion. I’m the calmest hurricane. I’m a sparkling tidal wave. I’m the ring of divorce. I’m the queen of some castle. I’m the princess to some prince. I’m the ghost of a past.
I lit my fag in front of a deep stream whilst sitting slouched inside a coffin.
Irritably tingling sensations of mucus slowly dance through my nostrils, swinging against each of the hairs before coming forth to drip in to the place that everything does.
Who’s going to save me? After you, who?
Magical places exist at the most frightening of times, yet all I see is heaven so I don’t know what is going on or if I exist but I do know this.
I know that maybe…
Maybe you can save me? After you, there is no one.
Clench my chest and cross my soul. Fill my lungs with all that is you.
I want to bleed you and feed through all of us all over again.
I want to remember. I want to forget. I want to live without pain.
Harsh. I feel harsh. I feel as harsh as the rain that is violently pricking me with every chilled liquefying drop.
Did you make the rain get angry with me?
I wouldn’t blame you. I burnt out your sun instead of seeing how far it sets.
My toes become daggers to dig deep into the grass before curling up.
I’m cold and waiting.
They say magical places exist at the end of our time, yet all I see is heaven so I don’t know what is going on or if I exist but I do know this.
Maybe you can love me. After you, there is no more love.
It can be wonderful.
I want to wonder and fall into the wonderful.