The problem is I have always lived for art, though art has never lived for me. But despite our continuously rocky relationship, I know I could never completely give it up. I live for it after all.
At the darkest of times, the music and mind seems so beautiful
— Blue Laidley
The living will always have to make space for the dead somehow.
Not to brag, but that was amazing. Eruption in minutes. A circular explosion of lust in control of the body, of its wants and needs. The constant feeling of comfort and warmth along with the reassurance of love; the emotional feeling to extract all negative vibes at this very moment in time. The moment in time when you come to one with yourself. Your feelings. The parts of your body that consist of pleasurable weakness. I have taught him well. He has taught himself even better. We are on the same page, and that page has an unidentifiable gooey fluid on the surface of the dampened paper.
Like a spider in the mouth
I put my words to thought
The fear and expectations start to surround me
Two furry legs crawling out
My eyes close up tight
This sudden wish overwhelms me
Only I would have such troubles in this haven
A problematic situation just to smell the flowers once bloomed.
With one fury foot in front of the other
I start to copy. I start to walk with in motion.
I think quietly to myself that if it is true
If this giant spider really lay in my mouth
while intimately stinging my tongue until swollen
at least I was the chosen one.
The gold box with silver ribbon
Tied around it in the warmest embrace
As soon as it opened a light shined deep into my eyes
The force so hypnotising, it let me into a paralytic stare
The minutes went by and every sound went muffled
The colours from my view heightened like a saturation shift
I felt a cold tingle go up my left finger
And from that, the tingles continued
I bet you with eternity that my finger tingles forever
I knew not to trust him. I was right. My heart so desperate for love, that it believes his wrongs. Well I don’t. Once again curled up, damaged, misused. This advantage has been taken again. But this time I’m smiling. I’m smiling because I know something. Freaks of nature. Diluted thoughts. Deluded dreams. This path is one I’m used to. Trails of bittersweet betrayals. It gives me life but I’m aware of how pathetic this beating organ can be. I never listen to it anymore. He was someone like no other, yet was like all the rest of them.
Some of the best things are left unspoken about, so I just packed them neatly away in my suitcase mind, while channelling the battle that is you.
I remember how fucked up it made me. The sun hurt my eyes and the chilly morning air made it hard for me to breathe. Every breath gave me a pain at the front of my throat, like I had swallowed Jack Frost himself, and now serving my fait. I drank the last mouthful of rum fast, feeling it burn my insides in whatever path it took. For someone so fucked, I could sure feeling the most sensitive of feelings. For someone so out of my mind, I could sure well remember and cry. I realised then how many solutions I had gone through and how it had only got me so far. Got me so deep. Got me nowhere.
I am here. Standing right here feeling so close to toppling over and experiencing yet another moment of collapsing and passing out for the day. I am here like this because I am sad and trying to find ways to become happy when it just occurred to me… maybe the outcome would be the complete opposite if I just let go of trying to find happiness, and instead live my life by enjoying the happiness of being sad.
I wish I could go back to a time where I could truly feel the music without needing to take the drugs.
I will show you love how love is shown to me, as that is the only kind of love I know